Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
