Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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