You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
