I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
