dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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