gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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