I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
MIDGETS
????
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
