she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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