I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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