He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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