My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
