Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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