If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
