just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
