Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
