If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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