I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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