when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
