He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
