If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
