John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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