Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize