so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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