Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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