my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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