her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
