At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
