I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
