The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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