Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to wash the frat house off of me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
