you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
