I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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