Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
