If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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