Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
