My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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