this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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