Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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