never play flip cup with pint glasses
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
