How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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