I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize