EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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