I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
