Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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