I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
