I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
