my phone needs a breathalizer
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
nutella sex= disaster
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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