Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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