Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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