You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
