I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
