The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
