I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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