I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
