Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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