masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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