Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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