in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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