At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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