Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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