i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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