I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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