the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
